Today, I do. I feel like I’m just not in the mood to be a mother and how can that be? How can a mother possibly not want to be a mother? It’s as good as saying, I don’t want my child today. The thought depresses me so much, I can feel my heart physically ache. For all the screamings and threats and abuse that I hurl at my girl, I wish I could take them all back. They tell me that children have short memories and by tomorrow, all is forgotten.
I don’t believe it. I believe it is a balance of the good and the bad. If there is more good than bad, then they would most probably remember the good but if there is more bad, then they will remember that too.
I think Tee has had it good. But I don’t know why I still feel this cloud of gloom over me, like I’m the worst mother who’s caused my toddler a lifetime of insecurities. I threaten to send her to boarding school, I tell her I’ll send her to the orphanage like Annie (and she’s terrified of the drunk Nanny) if she misbehaves and I tell her I want to run away. No mother should ever say that but I did. *tears*
So tomorrow, we’re going to read story books under the trees in a park; we’re going to paint the stories we’ve read; we’re going to have a picnic and blow bubbles; play in the park’s playground and laugh till the cows pee. We’re going to have a great day with lots of hugs and kisses and giggles and tickles…….
The sun’ll come out, tomorrow……………………
Who is Mamapumpkin?
Mamapumpkin spent 7 years in London committing crimes to gain her Bartlett degree in Architecture. She then spent 7 years as a Stay At Home Mom raising her children as documented in this blog of over 15 years thereafter returning to the Corporate World stronger than ever as the Country Director of a British Multinational. She sets out to prove to all, that you can have anything and everything that you want; if you have that fire of desire burning within and the drive to work hard. Even better with much love.
Mamapumpkin has not only grown corporate businesses successfully in the past but has grown not one but TWO network marketing businesses in the notorious MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) industry, achieving success in under 2 years. She believes in the MLM business model but realises the DRASTIC PITFALLS and great stigma attached to it, understanding EXACTLY WHY the majority would shy away (or RUN for their lives) from ANY MLM business. But open your eyes and take time to understand it intellectually, remove your hang-ups, confirm your research, and you may just want to seize an opportunity. She did. And no, she never went about chasing people for sales. She had a sophisticated system work for her through technology and a smartphone.
She now impacts lives authentically with proven strategies amassed through the last decade of her own transformation offering online coaching programmes and always supports the underprivileged. She believes that we can all have a life of our own desires to enable real contribution into the world. But first, one needs to understand what this all means.
A beautiful life without limits.
If you wish to learn some tools to propel your life forward guaranteed, be brave enough to make contact as her life's purpose is to build people. She operates through a discovery call after which she will commit to helping you. Or not.
Most lose out on an opportunity because they are afraid they would be sold to, conned or whatever fear resides in their brain without even trying. And that's on them.
Mamapumpkin is a living testimony that women really can have a lot. Being financially and time free has enabled her to travel the world anytime, anywhere, doing anything, and she spends most of her days with her children, having fun, and supporting others wherever she can. Also having fun.
Sigh! I have never ever felt like a good mother, no matter how much good I did and worse, when I did no good. I too feel guilty and I too try to make it up. I too scream at my kids, and I too lashed out at them, and I too threaten them.
And here’s some words of comfort for you and for me. I also think that as long as the children can feel our love for them, and we are there when they need us, like when they are ill for example, I think they will always remember us as how mothers should be remembered.
You know, I heard a saying before, that if you want to know if a child is being loved, you should look at her hair. Look at Tee, her hair is beautifully clipped/ tied in every pics, and she’s beautifully dressed. She is so well-loved!! You should see mine when my maid went home for two months last year. I am the bad mummy. 🙁
Don’t be too hard .. on yourself.. we all have days like that.. *hugs*
I think every mother feels like that sometimes and if they tell you different they are lying. I have days when I feel that all I do is scream at my kids. Maybe that is why my son told me he didn’t like me. That hurt like hell. Some days I think I am stuck in yelling mode and the husband has to come home to it. He asks me why are you yelling at me? Good thing he is the calm one in this marriage.
Having said that this is the most difficult job someone can have, being a mommy. It requires patience that some days I just don’t have.
I have taken to telling my son that I will call the police for him and they will take him away. That’s hat happens to children who don’t listen to their mommies. So now anytime he sees a police car he says, “someone isn’t listening to their mommy and the police is taking them to jail” Gosh I feel like shit sometimes.
We’re mothers yes but we are also human. You’re a wonderful mommy
I doubt you can be a bad mother. However, I think you are tired and exhausted mom, but defintely not bad. I am quite sure all moms have days when they just NEED some alone time. Being a mother is tough…and probably your hormones are going hay wire. I hope you get a chance to rest and your usual smart sassy self will appear again. I think good thoughts for you.
You’re not alone..:-)
I may not be a mother yet, but unfortunately I was at the receiving end of my mother’s endless tantrums and mood swings. I’m not comparing you to her (she’s much worse…but more on that one day!). I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now, and I honestly think you’re a fab mom!
Don’t let a little bit of gray clouds dampen your spirits ok! 🙂
I haven’t been a good mother either. Ever since the birth of my boy 3 1/2 years ago, I think I have started to be abusive (in a kind, i do feel that those lashing, screaming are emotionally abusive) to my girl. I have expectation on her and when her expectation doesn’t meet mine, I started to hurl abusive remarks on her. I do love her a lot but I think those bad days had done it harm on her too. Few months ago, a friend that met my girl commented that she’s very insecure. I guess it’s all my bad of making her lack of confident.
I’m trying and learning to be patient with her.
Patsy, it always happen to me too. Now i try to talk softer to qiqi, and instead canning, i put her on one corner for at least 5 mins. She became so much better now 🙂